Soothing the shaken up parts

This weekend I felt shaky. As everything starts to open up more and the return to school and the restrictions and guideline face to face indoor therapy, a part of me felt like I wanted to clutch tight hold of the space I've made during lockdown and semi-lockdown. As the expectations, responsibilities and tasks start to impinge on that space a part of me feels afraid. Afraid of getting ill, afraid of losing that time for me, afraid of feeling too busy again, of feeling out of control. Reminded me of the childhood memories of not having control, of not having safe space or strong enough boundaries; and the vibrations of the past shook that little part of me.

I used to push those feelings down with "it's fine, I am super strong and badass" and push through; not realising that disallowing that fear was disallowing a part of myself. I have time to nurture and console and soothe that part of me. The Badass part often doesn't let the other parts have their voice heard, needs met. It's trying to protect the rest of me, trying to keep me going, trying to let me do fun things and adventures, trying to clutch on to that feeling of being in control. But its defending is also silencing other parts, preventing me from being authetically me with all my needs.

So, I took that worried part to the forest. Surrounded by tall, old trees and that pine-earthy soil smell, ancient lumps of rock peeping over the treetops, tiny spiders weaving webs. I felt my power and my tiny-ness. I felt in control and out of control. I connected with the earth, that is both peaceful and cacophonous, compassionate and malevolent, calm and turbulent, still and bustling... and everywhere in between. In that place everything felt allowed. In that place I didn't have to push any parts down. I spent some time listening to her needs, her fears, her worries. I felt her pain and tension in my body and welcomed it. I soothed her where she neeed it. I reminded her that now we are grown, we don't need to hide.

I remind her, without silencing her that now we are grown, I can create safety, hold boundaries, feel connected, notice my body. Find control where it's possible and soothe the worry when it's not.